The guilt no one talks about as a leader.

A number of years ago, I was in a fairly senior leadership role and had to do something I fundamentally didn’t want to do.

It’s a long time ago now, and I can still feel it.

Services were being restructured. Money was tight. And after a long and difficult process, roles were changed, some were downgraded, and like many others, I went through that experience myself.

I remember the relief of knowing I still had a job, despite still experiencing the anger I felt about the service change. And I also felt guilt, because having succeeded at interview meant someone else was displaced.

(A complicated emotional cocktail, if ever there was one.)

And then, almost immediately, I recall it was actually during the “congratulations, we’d like to offer you the job” phone call, I was told I would be leading the next phase of the restructuring, starting Monday.

Perfect timing...not.

Some of the team I was now managing were new to me. Others were people I had worked with for years, people I genuinely cared about, and in some cases, good friends.

It was a lot.

I was still processing what had just happened to me. Angry. Grieving. Questioning. And yet, I found myself in a position where I now had to lead others through something very similar.

I didn’t want to cause that for anyone else.

And yet… I did.

This blog is a reflection on that experience, as I recall it years later with more distance, perspective, and understanding… but I can still connect with the feelings from that time. It was tough. And I can also recognise it now as a period of significant growth.

It explores how leaders carry guilt, and how and if we’re not careful, that guilt can sometimes turn into shame.

Guilt isn’t the problem though

This is important to say, because guilt in leadership is not necessarily a sign that something has gone wrong.

In fact, research suggests quite the opposite.

Studies by Ryan W. Schaumberg and Francis J. Flynn found that individuals who are more prone to guilt are often perceived as more ethical, more responsible, and more effective leaders.

So if you’ve ever lain awake at 2am replaying a conversation… (you’re in good company, by the way…)

Guilt reflects something very human:

• that we care about the impact of our actions

• that we are aware when our decisions don’t fully align with our values

• that we want to do right by others

In many ways, it is a sign of conscientious and thoughtful leadership.

But there may also be an unintended consequence and I’m not just talking about sleep deprivation!

The same research suggests that those who are highly attuned to the impact of their actions may hesitate, overthink decisions, or take on extra responsibility, which I think of as ‘making amends’ behaviour.

And yes, taking time with important decisions does matter but there is a balance. The people impacted by leaders’ decisions also need clarity just as much as compassion..

This was certainly my experience: I remember labouring over the consequences of actions taken, prolonged periods of high stress, long hours, and disrupted sleep.

(No one said leadership was glamorous, right?)

And this is often where things begin to shift, and not always in a helpful way.

When guilt turns into something heavier

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, but psychologically they are very different.

As June Tangney describes:

• Guilt says: “I did something wrong.” Guilt focuses on behaviour.

• Shame says: “I am something wrong.” Shame focuses on identity.

And that distinction matters.

Guilt can be useful. It can lead to reflection, learning, and repair, where repair is possible.

But shame is much harder to work with.

It fuels self-doubt and it erodes confidence. And it can unwittingly reshape how we see ourselves as leaders. Guilt can silently shift from

“I should have handled that better.” (behaviour/guilt)
to
“What kind of leader does that make me?” (identity/shame)

And shame rarely starts in the workplace. For many, it has much earlier roots, shaped by childhood experiences, expectations, or messages we absorbed about who we needed to be.

Here are a few examples of phrases that can hit hard during formative years… Some seem harmless but what does, ‘be good,” really mean to a child?

• Be a good girl/boy

• Be careful

• You should know this already

• You’ve let us down

• You’re too emotional

• Just get on with it

• Know your place.

Some of these comments, may not have been delivered in an attempt to hurt or diminish, but dependent on context, they may have had a deeper impact that shape self worth and identity. These can easily get triggered when situations align.

So when something difficult happens in leadership, it doesn’t just stay in the present moment. It can tap into something older, unconsciously trigger something more personal.

Looking back, this may well have been the beginning of my burnout.

Because once your sense of self as a leader starts to shift, behaviour follows:

• We can become more cautious, less able to stand firmly in our decisions

• And/or you double down and work even harder

• And the negative self talk gets louder…

When leadership feels impossible (the “jam in the sandwich” leader)

Leadership sometimes requires us to carry decisions we didn’t make and consequences we wish were different.

Sometimes the hardest part of leadership is not making the decision but carrying the human impact of a decision that has already been made.

And this is especially true for those in middle leadership roles. The “jam in the sandwich.”

• Holding pressure from above: targets, budgets, strategy.

• Holding impact below: people, relationships, wellbeing.

Trying to make sense of both. Translate both. Hold both. And often… absorb both.

In these moments, guilt is almost inevitable.

The question is not how to avoid it.

The question is: How do we carry it without letting it become shame?

The nervous system underneath it all

There is also something happening at a physiological level.

Guilt doesn’t just sit in our thoughts, it shows up in the body.

When we perceive that we’ve done something “wrong” or caused harm, the brain responds as if there is a threat.

The Amygdala becomes activated. It scans for danger and the body moves into a stress response.

Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline increase.
Heart rate rises.
Breathing changes.

At the same time, the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex; responsible for reasoning and perspective) becomes less accessible.

Which is why:

• we replay conversations

• we overanalyse decisions

• we struggle to “let things go”

• we search for solutions to things that may not be resolvable

(Usually at 2am… because of course.)

Over time, this creates a loop in the nervous system:

• rumination

• hyper-responsibility

• emotional exhaustion

Not because leadership is being done “wrong” but because too much of it is being carried internally, without release or regulation.

A more sustainable way to lead

The answer is not to care less. It’s to care more sustainably. And annoyingly, there isn’t a quick fix for this one.

It begins with a few important shifts:

1. Notice the difference between caring and carrying

You can care deeply about people without carrying the full weight of the outcome.

2. Pause and question the instinct to fix

When you feel that pull, gently ask: “Is this truly my responsibility?” Share your thoughts and concerns with your mentor, coach or a trusted colleague.

3. Regulate before you respond

Breathing, short pauses, reflection, or tools like Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT/Tapping), can help settle the nervous system before acting.

4. Set emotional boundaries

Caring is essential. Carrying everything is not. (Easier said than done, I know.) Again, this is where talking it through with someone who provides absolute psychological safety for you is so valuable.

5. Shift from responsibility to support

Instead of: “I need to make this better”

Try: “I can support this situation without owning all of it.”

Final thought

Guilt doesn’t make you a bad leader.

If anything, it often reflects that you are a thoughtful, ethical one.

But when guilt becomes something you carry alone, without space to process it, it can slowly turn into something heavier. Something more personal. Something that can start to shape how you see yourself. And that’s where it can begin to cost you.

• Ethical leaders will feel guilt.

• The challenge is learning how to carry it without letting it become shame.

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone.

And perhaps the first step isn’t fixing anything at all.

It’s simply noticing what you’ve been carrying.

As for me, my experience has become one of my passions and one of the reasons I now do the work I do as a coach and Occupational Therapist.

If any of this resonates, please reach out. I’d love to be your guide and support you.